Warning: long monthly grieving post. I’m not crying out for help or fishing for compliments, just sharing part of my journey because I think these topics are important to discuss. I also am very aware that having an issue with body image is something men and women of all ages and sizes can encounter. I know I’m a “healthy” weight and am not trying to take anything away from people who struggle with obesity or thin-shaming.
--------------------
The other day I got to the doctor and stepped on the scale. When I saw the number, my immediate verbal response was “Oh, shit.” The nurse looked at me and said, “One of those days?” and I responded, “Hah - one of those years I guess.” After a summer of wearing dresses and skirts, I recently noticed my pants don’t fit me anymore, but I didn’t realize my weight had gotten that high.
For a few weeks after Evan died, I could barely eat anything. I lost some weight and was the thinnest I’ve been in a really long time. I slowly started putting on weight over the winter and am now 15 pounds heavier than I have ever been in my history of ups and downs with weight. Telling someone “You are still beautiful/hot/strong” and “You should let yourself eat whatever you want” doesn’t really help. Eating what I want to eat is not the root of the problem. This actually isn’t about food.
I’m not sure I’ve ever publicly talked about my long struggle with body image in great detail, but today I want to. When I was 12 and my body was starting to go through changes, I despised the idea of being in a bathing suit in public. At that point in my life I was absolutely not in any way overweight. I was very athletic and trim. My heart sank when I heard we had a mandatory gym class: swimming. I was so self-conscious and did everything I could to get out of it, but in the end I had to participate. I remember in class someone calling me “thunder thighs.” Looking back I know how ridiculous that was and that I shouldn’t have let it get to me, but it did.
By the time I was 14 or 15 I put on some weight. My metabolism was changing and I let my love for sugar take over my food choices. I remember our cafeteria had some amazing chocolate chip cookies that I ate pretty much every day with my lunch. I remember being extremely frustrated by the way my clothes fit and after a health class “body composition test” I decided I needed to lose weight. I rebounded into a vicious cycle of eating “healthy” foods (but not enough) and exercising more than was healthy. I have no idea why I thought that eating cucumber slices with some ranch dressing was enough fuel to get me through 2 hours of softball practice and an hour or more of pitching practice after that. I dropped down to the lowest weight I’ve ever been and was constantly exhausted. I remember being concerned about a friend who I thought may have been bulimic, but at that time I didn’t realize that my behavior could have easily qualified me for an eating disorder as well.
I don’t even know at what point I realized what I was doing was unhealthy but over the years I learned about setting healthy boundaries with food and exercise. I decided to get rid of my scale and vowed to never weigh myself because I know rationally that the number doesn’t tell the whole story (especially as someone with a lot of muscle mass). I learned more about nutrition and what my body needs to function at an optimal level. I increased the amount of vegetables I consume and reduced added sugar intake. I also became vegetarian in 2008 or 2009 and that forced me to look at food differently too, to make sure I was “getting enough protein” because that’s all people would ask me when I told them I didn’t eat meat. I tracked and noticed patterns in my mood when I would not get enough exercise or did not eat well. I went through an affirmation stage and created: “I love my body and take care of it by eating well and getting adequate exercise.”
No matter what my weight was, I’ve always been hyper aware of and concerned about how I appear to others. Even though roller derby was good for me in a lot of ways, I think wearing uniforms that showed every flaw and being photographed constantly at events contributed to the challenge of letting go of my preoccupation with my body appearance. In 2012 I chose to stop wearing mascara or makeup daily as a personal challenge, and would only put it on for special events (like roller derby). That was really difficult, but also helped me with being okay with just being me.
When I started dating Evan, I had a huge shift in confidence. I was at a point in my life where I was very aware of my seeking for external validation and worked hard to get away from that. I realized that I needed to accept myself and not worry about other people approving of me. He would say things to me like, “Girl, even if you gained 25 pounds you’d still be hot!” Even though I didn’t need to hear those words, there was something really comforting about hearing them. I was at a stable weight and liked and took care of my body. I felt attractive. I thought I had finally defeated that demon.
Fast forward to today, I’ve been looking more closely at my eating habits again. I look back at the past year and realize that I’ve been using food to stuff feelings instead of letting myself feel them because they are scary. Since Evan died 15 months ago, I have had no interest in dating. I didn’t want to jump into anything prematurely while I was still working through the early stages of grieving and use it as a bandage. I decided I needed to really get settled here in St. Louis and find my place without the distraction of trying to start a new relationship. Every time I’ve felt attracted to someone I’ve noticed that I will overeat pretty immediately and talk myself out of liking them. What a crazy realization - I think that part of me gaining weight has been a protective mechanism so I’m not as physically attractive and am not encouraging that kind of attention.
I’ve noticed that I am really good at preparing healthy food to eat throughout the day at work, but that often I’m eating when I’m stressed and am not actually slowing down and enjoying my food (or even realizing I’m eating, just chewing fiercely). I’ve been following Emily Rosen from the Institute for the Psychology of Eating and have learned so much about how our emotions are tied to our eating habits. How eating while stressed actually changes the way we metabolize food. Did you know that there are neurotransmitters in our gut, not just in our brain? It’s really a fascinating topic. I even stopped taking my daily antacid medication because I realized my Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) was actually caused by my eating habits and that I don’t actually need that medication.
The other day I was looking at the Insight Timer app on my phone for meditation and found a “Mindful Eating Meditation.” I took my lunch outside one day recently and listened to it while I ate. It was probably the most difficult 20 minutes I’ve experienced in a long time. I had to sit there for close to 5 minutes with the food in front of me, but not eat it - just observe it. Look at it, smell it, notice the sensations it brought up in my body and mouth. It was so much more challenging than I thought it would be. Then it talked about actually paying attention to the food while you chew it, to notice how your tongue skillfully moves the food around as you eat. I think this is something that would be helpful for me to listen to more often.
This isn’t about me just making better food choices. This is about me learning how to be present, listen to my body, and accept myself where I am without judgment. For those of you who can’t relate to this struggle, I send huge kudos to you (seriously!). For those of you who CAN relate to this struggle, know that you are not alone.
I’m going to bring back my old affirmation, starting today: “I love my body and take care of it by eating well and getting adequate exercise.”