Some days are harder than others. I’ve run into some friends lately who are like, “How are you? It looks like things are going well based on Instagram/Facebook!” I realize that I do try to focus on the positive especially with what I’m posting on social media, and that’s because I know what we think about expands. I don’t dwell on little negative things these days and have grown a lot in the past 5 years. I find that filling my mind/attention with information on healing and positive things is helpful, especially with a brain that never seems to stop. In general, life is great and I am very happy.
But sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes it’s hard to focus and I find myself avoiding being present and fall back into old unhealthy patterns. Sometimes anxiety has more control than I’d like and I have a hard time accepting that. I had knee surgery back in December and I truly do believe that it fixed what was wrong. In February, I fell on my knee again and have been having pain ever since. It’s been four months and it hasn’t gotten any better. I cannot do any quad-heavy exercise without pain and my doctor told me he has no idea what’s going on but he’d like to do an MRI if it’s still interfering with my life. I called to schedule an appointment and found out they want to do an MRI Arthrogram. I immediately almost cried. This is the type of MRI where they inject your joint with a dye for more contrast. I know they show more detail but I have extreme anxiety about medical procedures that involve pain. I had one done on my shoulder a decade ago and I’m still traumatized by it.
As I got anxious and wanted to cry and was doing more research on oral sedatives, I realized that when I have this type of reaction to something, my instinct is to retract and isolate. I feel like other people will view my reaction as being dramatic. I get the “Oh, it’s not that bad, it’s just a little pinch!” ALL the time from other people when I’m having a reaction about a needle. If you think needles are no big deal, you have no idea how I experience them. I feel excruciating pain and the only way for me to get through it is to breathe very deeply and distract myself with music or something. Please don’t invalidate someone’s experience just because you don’t understand the pain they are struggling with. When you invalidate someone’s feelings they are less likely to open up and share in the future.
I also found out the other day about someone I care about being forced to an addiction center only to be turned away because they “aren’t a danger to themself or others.” This person isn’t responding to my texts or calls. I can do nothing to help them, especially because they are hours away. I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the recent suicides that have been in the media. About how when people isolate bad things happen. About how often when people are struggling they really aren’t able to reach out for help. About how sometimes even when people ARE getting help, it’s too late.
I’ll survive the stupid MRI next week and will reward myself with ice cream afterwards, but can you all send a little extra positive energy to the person I’m trying to reach who is struggling with addiction? Also, if you know of someone who you haven’t heard from in awhile who may be struggling in any way, please reach out to them. Let them know you care. It would probably mean more to them than you can imagine. And if you’re struggling with a loved one who is struggling, please do not forget to take care of yourself. You are of no help to them if you don’t take care of yourself.