I don’t think any of us could have predicted the overwhelming rollercoaster that has been 2020. The first week of the year I realized I hadn’t come up with any intentions and I really wanted to make a vision board for 2020. Our lease was up in April and our landlord was considering selling, so we knew we were going to need to move. After some discussion and deciding that we plan to stay in St. Louis for at least the next 8+ years (my partner’s son is 10), I realized it made more sense to buy a house than to continue renting. That decision surprised me, but it inspired my vision board for the year and we pretty quickly manifested our new home (we closed April 17). I'm grateful for having a new home to work on to keep my focus for a big portion of the year, because it gave me something I could control.
Here are some of my lessons from 2020:
I do best when I have routine, and it’s up to me to create that. I've been working from home since March, and even though I do love having cats on my lap while I'm trying to work, it hasn't been the easiest for me. I'd also like to say I am super grateful for having a job that has allowed me to stay home and not be out around a lot of people, so my complaint is coming from a very privileged place. I used to bike to work most days and since moving I've had a hard time getting consistent exercise. My mental health has taken a bit of a hit off and on this year and a big reason is the lack of exercise and yoga. I was also surprised by how much I’ve missed seeing my co-workers in the halls. I’m an introvert, but social isolation can be tough for me too.
I did not take any college classes this summer or fall because I’ve been struggling so much with adapting to the pandemic. I recently realized that even though I’m not a fan of movement classes being online, I need to take a class next spring to help me with establishing routine. I also realized that my resistance to change is what’s holding me back. I’m usually pretty resilient, but this year I definitely wasn’t as adaptive as I know I’m capable of being.
“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.”― Elizabeth EdwardsEven though I know it’s best to feel my feelings because the only way out is through, sometimes it’s still really hard to let myself feel them. I did get a pretty sweet home gym set up in our basement and a cozy yoga corner in the attic. I've been able to get more into the regular exercise lately, but I've still struggled with yoga. I talked to a health coach a couple of times through work (because I wanted to earn the gift card!). We were trying to work on getting me back into a yoga routine, and she asked me, "Sometimes yoga brings up uncomfortable feelings - do you think maybe that's why it's been hard for you to get back into it?" Ugg, so true. At that point I had gotten into a good biking and weight lifting routine but just couldn't get myself to do yoga. I was surprised I hadn't made that connection on my own. I guess I've been avoiding feeling some feelings. It seems to me like a lot of people (me included) have slid a little on growth this year and have been falling back on old unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's so interesting to be so self-aware, but to still make those choices.
Being connected to Nature is one of the best ways for me to be present. Last spring we did a lot of walking around our neighborhood and Forest Park and really got to enjoy all of the amazing flowering plants. I'm so glad we visited Minnesota for 4th of July and went on a camping trip to Arkansas in September. Learning to be a little more comfortable sleeping in a tent makes travel a lot easier (especially because this year I haven't been comfortable with the idea of sleeping in someone else's space). I've also done a good job of getting in a lot of hiking in Missouri this year - and making mandalas!
LOVE is the most important thing in the world. There has been an abundance of fear and division this year (it seems even more than usual), and the best way for us to move forward and evolve is to love. I believe this so strongly that I even got a new tattoo this year that says LOVE on the back of my neck! I never thought I would get any text tattoos (or neck tattoos haha), but things change and love felt like what I needed.
I can “vote” every day with where I spend my money. I made some choices to stop shopping at certain stores this year to purchase things from businesses that are better aligned with my values. I’m more aware of those choices. Although I rarely eat out (or get takeout or delivery), going forward I will support locally-owned BIPOC businesses as much as I can.
The pandemic has reminded us that there is a lot in life that we can't control. We CAN control how we respond, how we choose to spend our time, and how much we love ourselves and others.