Thoughts About the Early Days
It's been awhile since I've thought about the early days after Evan ended his life 10.5 years ago.
It was a blur of chaos. I hardly slept. I obsessively tried to piece together an impossible puzzle. I realized quickly how few people felt “safe” to really talk to. I know it all came from a place of love, but many people tried to talk me out of my feelings or how I chose to process this devastating event. I was told to not share some information.
This type of loss is so often shrouded in secrecy, guilt, and shame. Anger is a common reaction, and many people cling to what they can control about a situation that feels uncontrollable. Suicide loss survivors need people they can talk to about everything they have experienced. The more we tuck away, the more it can damage us over time.
At the same time, if the family of someone who died by suicide doesn't want that information publicly available, I believe we should do our best to respect their wishes. It is not appropriate to comment on someone else’s post with how they died if that person hasn't shared those details publicly. However, I still believe it is important for survivors to discuss their experience privately. I doubt I know anyone whose life hasn't been touched by suicide in some way.
Everyone grieves differently and there isn't a timeline. Be gentle with yourself. Feeling numb or in denial are very common and normal. Some want to talk a lot about what happened and others process more internally. However you process is right for you. Something I find interesting about numbness is that it is a protective mechanism. Sometimes things are too painful to feel right away so our brains just make us numb until they believe it is “safe” to feel the hard feelings. I try to be grateful for periods of numbness in my life now that I have this understanding.
To be clear: if you have experienced this type of loss, or if you experience suicidal ideation, I am willing to listen to you without judgement. All of your feelings are valid. I won't tell you to not feel guilty or angry. It's normal to cycle through all of the feelings, and as long as you don't get stuck on any of them, it's okay and helpful to feel each one deeply before letting it go. Our feelings are a way for our body to communicate our needs.
This is also a good time to remind people that language matters. Please don't use the word “committed.”
Below are some resources:
Suicide is Complex; Be Kind to Everyone - a Blog I wrote
Why I Don’t Say ‘Committed Suicide’ (And Why You Shouldn’t, Either) - Channel Kindness
Suicide Language - Suicide Prevention Alliance
Suicide Loss Survivors – American Association of Suicidology
Alliance of Hope for for Suicide Loss Survivors
Find a support group | AFSP
