Goodbye Grandma
Our memories are elastic, imperfect, and fleeting. Yesterday I found out my grandmother was being switched over to hospice treatment. She had started talking to folks who are no longer living and was a bit delirious.
This morning I woke up before my alarm (probably around 5am) thinking of her. I spoke with her through thought but when I tried to remember later what I said to her, I could only remember some of it. I wonder how much of what I remember is accurate because of the imperfect nature of our memory. I wonder if it’s what my brain wants me to remember I told her so I can be at peace with her passing. I wonder if my connection to her this morning was real, because it really felt real.
I told her I loved her. I told her I was grateful that we shared a love of animals, nature, and travel. I told her I was sorry she hadn’t been able to meet my partner because he treats me really well and has a huge amazing heart.
She told me she was scared. I told her it’s normal to be scared because nobody really knows what’s next. But I reminded her that so many people speak with folks on the other side before they die, that there has to be something beyond this life. She can look forward to being with Grandpa and Bryan and everyone else she has lost over the years. I told her that she had already held on so long and she doesn’t need to worry about her sons and how this will impact them. They’ll never be ready for her to go. I told her it was okay to let go and that I hoped she could get some rest.
When I got out of Tabata class at the gym this morning I got the message that she passed away early this morning. I’m still in shock. We knew it was coming but that doesn’t make it easier. I am not my best self today. Minnesota feels so far away. I’m annoyed by airline prices for last-minute flights and the potential for slick road conditions that make me not want to make the drive. I’m annoyed by some situations at work that I usually would have patience to deal with. I’m not ready to cry but I know it’s coming. I looked through photos and I can only find a handful with her in them. I haven’t taken many pictures of my dad’s side of the family.
My grandma religiously sent me birthday and Christmas cards. Every year even into adulthood she made me a Christmas stocking full of candy and necessities (deodorant, chapstick, etc.). She loved cats, perhaps nearly as much as I do. She made more Christmas cookies than anyone I’ve known and she was very particular about how to make them. I’m glad I have those recipes!
Since my cousin and I moved away from Minnesota, she checked the weather in the newspaper daily in California and Missouri. I know she thought of me (and all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren) often. She loved Duluth and Florida and kept a travel journal. In 2014 my parents and I brought her to Duluth and I’m so glad we took that trip, even though she wasn’t able to do much. Just being by Lake Superior meant a lot to her.
She enjoyed taking care of other people. I saw her over Thanksgiving break and she was still offering to get me a snack or something to drink, even when it was hard for her to get around the house. She was tough and sometimes stubborn but also very kind.
Goodbye for now, Grandma. You have a gentle soul and I have a feeling you’ll be watching over me.
