Thoughts About Alcohol

I have a complicated relationship with alcohol. Don’t we all? Growing up there wasn't really alcohol in the house and I latched onto the D.A.R.E. program and very adamantly avoided all drugs and alcohol for a long time. I never liked the smell of alcohol and would often be the only sober person at high school parties. I wanted to wait until I turned 21 to try alcohol and can only remember one time when I was maybe 15 that I had a couple of drinks out of curiosity. I used to cut out anti-drug and anti-alcohol ads from magazines and put them on the wall in my bedroom. I believed that drugs kill brain cells and I didn't want to damage my developing brain. I also didn't like the idea of not being fully in control of myself. I now understand that drug use is much more complicated than just killing some brain cells.

I'm adopted and at some point I found out that my biological family has alcoholism and at least 3 deaths by suicide. I know addiction has a genetic component so I was aware that I needed to be careful.

When I turned 21 I decided to see what the big deal with alcohol was. I vividly remember one of my first times drinking going a bit overboard while visiting a friend at college. I had probably only had alcohol a couple of times before that weekend. I remember it was during a time in my life where I was very concerned about counting calories and was annoyed by how many calories alcohol had, so when we went to the store before the hockey game I bought a 6-pack of Mike's Lite Hard Lemonade. We didn't have much time before we had to leave but somehow I managed to down that full 6-pack. I definitely don't remember much of the hockey game. I do remember I was talking way too much to the person sitting next to me but I couldn't stop myself even when I tried. I also remember someone handing out free ice cream cones!

After the game we went to a large apartment above a bar and drank some more. I remember getting a cup of Bacardi Limon and telling the person pouring that I didn't need a chaser. I have no idea why I thought that was a good idea. We eventually headed down to the bar and at that point I was feeling pretty sick. I remember being hunched over the counter at the bar with my head resting on my hand when someone bought me a scooby snack. I sipped that thing for a long time and the only other thing I remember is trying to sleep on a couch in the apartment upstairs while puking all night. When most people throw up after drinking they just vomit once and then pass out. I was not that lucky. I really dislike vomiting -- so much so that I can only remember doing it a handful of times in my life. Looking back I think I probably had alcohol poisoning and I'm super lucky that nothing bad happened to me.

After that experience I decided I was going to be more careful with alcohol. I didn't drink often and usually only had a few drinks if I did. I started playing roller derby and would drink at after-parties and that was about it. I often would get heartburn and "the spins" when trying to go to bed after drinking and always felt terrible the next day, but I think the soreness of skating a game made the hangover easier to write off.

I went through a few years of being extremely selfish and didn't like the person I became while drinking. I believe alcohol reduces inhibitions and amplifies whatever state you are in at the time. Anyone who says they did something they didn't want or mean to do while drunk . . . I think they're lying to themselves. It brings out the truth. I definitely became even more selfish and inconsiderate than when I was sober. I also noticed the connection between drinking after roller derby and then getting sick because my immune system was lowered and I didn't get enough sleep. No matter how late I'd stay up drinking, I'd find myself awake earlier than usual. I didn't like feeling hungover and like I wasted half of the weekend. I found that drinking at least one glass of water per drink of alcohol helped reduce the spins and a little of the hangover but I still didn't feel good.

During my first year of college I took NyQuil almost every night to help me sleep. I've gone through several phases of different compulsive behaviors to avoid dealing with feelings. I can't remember the exact timing but somewhere around the time I got divorced I decided I didn't really want alcohol in my life anymore. I hadn't set a sober date or anything and every once in a while would have a drink but in general was sober. I never even liked the taste of alcohol. I think it was probably related to when I realized that I had never learned or allowed myself to grieve fully. Allowing myself to grieve was a huge turning point for me. I also started getting more in touch with how my body felt and reacted to what I consumed.

When I started talking to E I knew he had been sober for about three years and I was proud of him. I was really curious about his previous drug use and how certain substances felt since I hadn't done much experimenting and I asked him tons of questions. He had relapsed and struggled off and on until his death. Dating him was my first up close experience with addiction. I really felt for him when he tried to bargain, telling me the only way he could loosen the knot that was always in the back of his head was by having a couple of drinks. He lived with so much emotional pain. In my marriage I tried to control things too much and decided I needed to work on unconditionally loving and accepting people where they were.

I decided to accept his choice to still drink a little here and there and didn't pressure him to completely quit, especially since he was going to therapy and dealing with other major issues. I wanted him to be able to be honest with me about his drug use and I recognized that he had to make the choice to quit on his own if it was going to stick. Even though he was mostly honest about a lot of that, I didn't realize until after he died how much he still hid from me. I only drank with him once, just over 4 years ago. He talked me into sharing a bottle of wine, and I added ice cream to my glass (gross, what was I thinking?!). The song Red Red Wine will forever remind me of that night. That was the last time I drank: June 6, 2015.

Lately I've noticed how awkward it can be when people offer me alcohol and I turn it down. I'm not telling other people to stop drinking because I know many people can have it in moderation without serious consequences. Maybe it's only awkward on my end and I'm projecting, I don't know. I just prefer to not be around it much these days. I've finally found my confidence in going to bed early and not staying up late with friends and it's so much easier for me to communicate that boundary without worrying about what other people will think.

Alcohol is such a huge part of our culture, and it can feel isolating if you choose not to drink. It's hidden in food everywhere and it's in cough syrup and mouthwash. I attended a potluck at work one day and was excited about a yummy looking cake until I took a bite and realized the frosting had Bailey's in it. It wasn't labeled and I was pretty annoyed. I know the alcohol content especially in food is miniscule, but when someone is intentionally avoiding alcohol it's really frustrating. This wasn't as bad as the time I took a bite out of a maple glazed donut and tasted bacon though - I'm vegetarian and haven't had meat in a decade so that was shocking. I've started asking about ingredients before eating anything.

I'm curious to know from other non-drinkers - how do you feel about accidental consumption in food or about using cough syrup? When I had some allergy issues earlier this year I was going to get cough syrup and stood in that aisle for 20 minutes reading labels and having a moral/ethical debate in my head. Cough syrup was one of E's favorite mood altering substances.

Anyway, last Thursday, June 6, 2019 marked 4 years since I last had an alcoholic drink, and these are my random thoughts.