My First Float


I bring myself to stillness.
I try to only focus on my body and breath.
I notice a burning sensation.
I could make it stop, but it would require getting out of the water.
I don't want to waste my short time.
I decide to endure it.
It won't go away,
which I suppose helps me be present.
I decide to try some movement and find that side bends are fun.
I flow back and forth and feel like a fish.
I think about how our bodies store emotion and wonder what I can release.
My thoughts drift back,
remembering a special weekend.
Did he ever love me?
Does it matter?
I remember when he told me he did -
not the first time the first week we talked,
but the first time he thought he meant it.
I just kissed him silently.
Later I told him that I loved him too but I was scared.
“As you should be,” he replied flatly.
I never let my guard down and I think he knew,
but he could never really let love in and it's best I didn't.
Who knows where I would be today if I had.
There were glimmers of presence
but mostly there was an underlying story.
I gently sob for a moment but stop myself and I'm not sure why.
Suddenly a starry sky flashes above me,
jolting me back into my body.